1. Letter To Mom
2.  
3. Hey! I’m a young guy from Europe.
4. I’ve written the letter below to just try and see if writing things down could make me feel better, because I am depressed. When I was around 13 I came to the conclusion that I was attracted to young girls. I had a pretty hard time with this, but you have to trust me when I say that I have never and never will (nor do I want to) sexually abuse a child, although I used to think that I would because of what society told me. “Pedophiles all molest children”. This idea led me to think that I was going to abuse this incredibly beautiful girl.
5. But I didn’t, and I don’t want to.
6. Even though I felt very badly about being a pedophile back then, I now do recognize that pedophilia doesn’t define the whole me, nor does it have to be a bad thing. Although I still have really bad days, or weeks. Like when I wrote this letter. I just wrote out exactly what I was thinking.
7.  
8. Hey mom,
9.  
10. I’m here to tell you how I feel
11. Tell you how I’ve been
12. Tell you that I’ve lied
13. Tell you the truth
14. And to tell you that I love you
15. Tell you I worry if you’ll love me after this
16. When you’ve asked how I’ve been
17. I’ve said I was fine
18. In truth, I’ve been far from fine
19. I’ve been horrible, cried, bit myself, cut myself,
20. thought about killing myself
21. All because I am… depressed.
22.  
23. I’m here to tell you what I think
24. Tell you how my opinions have been trapped in my head
25. Tell you how our beliefs are far from the same
26. Yes, those beliefs
27.  
28. I know you’ve tried to get me to go to church
29. You probably see past my shitty excuses
30. But at church I feel judged, I feel like I can’t be myself
31. At church I have so many objections
32. Please, I still want you to love me after this next line
33. All because I am… an atheist.
34.  
35. I’m here to tell what I am
36. Tell you who my “girlfriend” is
37. Tell you that I’m talking to guys
38. No, I’m not gay, it’s worse
39.  
40. I’ve been this way ever since I was a child
41. About 13, and you know the fucked images I saw
42. I still remember the time we were sitting on the sofa
43. Watching a movie, when you said that you were afraid
44. That you were afraid that I would turn into one of “those” men
45. But, you were wrong.
46.  
47. Well, partially wrong.
48. I will never do the things “those” men do
49. I will however… think, imagine, fantasize about what “those” men do
50.  
51. Please, I don’t want you to hate me
52. Remember when we were at the children psychiatric
53. We were gonna have a meeting about what she reported
54. When I asked you to go, so I could talk to her alone You said,
55. “No matter what, I will still love you”
56. I, really hope that you will
57. Because I am… a pedophile.
58.  
59. I’m scared now
60. Tell me what you think, please
61. Tell me as soon as possible
62. Tell me that you still love me
63. Know that wanting to do something is not the same as doing something
64. Doing what “those” men do is horrible
65. But, I can’t change myself
66. I can’t change myself to not like… children
67. Please Still love me
68.  
69. Kindest regards,
70. your youngest son
71.  
72. This is the first of (hopefully) many ‘guest appearances’ on my blog here on Medium. Being a pedophile can be a tough and lonely affair. Different people deal with it in very different ways. Through these collaborations, I hope to be able to give the public a peek into the lives of some of these young struggling people and how they deal with the fact that they’re attracted to children and are committed to never harming a child through their actions.
73. In this first collaboration, a young pedophile from Europe shares the letter he wrote to his mother while he was still a teenager. A letter he never delivered, and thus was never read by his mom. This is — unfortunately — the reality we are faced with. People afraid to tell even the people that are supposed to love them unconditionally, out of fear of being rejected and losing everything they’ve got.