1. Something else I'm getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk
2. I have to listen to about children. That's all you hear about anymore,
3. children: "Help the children, save the children, protect the children." You
4. know what I say? Fuck the children!
5.  
6. They're getting entirely too much attention. And I know what some of you are
7. thinking: " Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes he is!
8. He's going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking;
9. I know what I'm talking about.
10.  
11. And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think
12. you're such fucking heros, aren't gonna like this, but somebody's gotta tell
13. you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued, and
14. you've turned them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish, and
15. it's not healthy. And don't give me all that weak shit, "Well, I love my
16. children." Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesn't make you
17. special. : : : John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Yes, he did. That's not
18. what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is this constant, mindless
19. yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that suggests that somehow
20. everything--everything--has to revolve around the lives of children. It's
21. completely out of balance.
22.  
23. Listen, there are a couple of things about kids you have to remember. First
24. of all, they're not all cute. In fact, if you look at 'em real close, most
25. of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them don't smell too
26. good either. The little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and
27. sour-milk combination that I don't care for at all. Stay with me on this
28. folks, the sooner you face it the better off your going to be.
29.  
30. Second, premise: not all chidren are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are
31. like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This
32. country is filled with loser kids who simply...aren't...going anywhere! And
33. there's nothing you can do about it, folks. Nothing! You can't save them
34. all. You can't do it. You gotta let 'em go; you gotta cut 'em loose; you
35. gotta stop over-protecting them, because your making 'em too soft.
36.  
37. Today's kids are way too soft. : : : For one thing, there's too much
38. emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles,
39. fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle,
40. baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. Kids have to wear helmets now for
41. everything but jerking off. Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a
42. kid. : : : What's happened is, these baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby
43. boomers, have raised an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren't
44. even allowed hazardous toys, for Chrissakes! What ever happened to natural
45. selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles
46. doesn't grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!
47.  
48. Another bunch of ignorant bullshit about your children: school uniforms. Bad
49. theory! The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order.
50. Hey! Don't these schools do enough damage makin' all these children think
51. alike? Now they're gonna get 'em to look alike, too? : : : And it's not even
52. a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard
53. to understand, because the narration was in German! But the uniforms looked
54. beautiful. And the children did everything they were told and never
55. questioned authority. Gee, I wonder why someone would want to put our
56. children in uniforms. Can't imagine.
57.  
58. And one more item about children: this superstitous nonsense of blaming
59. tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listem! Kids don't smoke because a
60. camel in sunglasses tells them to. They smoke for the same reasons adults
61. do, because it's an enjoyable activity that relieves anxiety and depression.
62.  
63. And you'd be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these
64. pathetic, insecure, yuppie parents who enroll you in college before you've
65. figured out which side of the playpen smells the worst and then fill you
66. with Ritalin to get you in a mood they approve of, and drag you all over
67. town in search of empty, meaningless structure: Little League, Cub Scouts,
68. swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolors, witchcraft, glass
69. blowing, and dildo practice. It's absurd. : : : They even have "play dates",
70. for Christ sake! Playing is now done by appointment! But it's true. A lot of
71. these striving, and parents are burning their kids out on structure. I think
72. what every child needs and ought to have every day is two hours of
73. daydreaming. Plain old daydreaming.
74.  
75. Turn off the internet, the CD-ROMS, and the computer games and let them
76. stare at a tree for a couple of hours. Every now and then they actually come
77. up with one of their own ideas. You want to know how to help your kids?
78. Leave them the fuck alone.